Active Listening for Leaders

I was messaging a protégé the other day when she casually mentioned how she’d been working hard to use active listening body language and practices in a recent seminar. She then thanked me for teaching her that practice. I demurred, noting that I had never actually sat down and showed her anything relating to active listening. She pushed back, stressing that my frequent use of the technique was the teaching mechanism and that she had picked up it by association.

That got me thinking: What would a conscious, deliberate primer on active listening for leaders look like? What follows is an attempt to provide a short, succinct explanation on what active listening is and why it matters for leaders.

What is active listening?

Simply put, active listening is listening to understand, not simply to be in the flow of a conversation or discussion. As Stephen Covey put it in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they with the intent to reply.” Chuck Palahniuk in Fight Club was blunter: “People don’t listen, they just wait for their turn to talk.” Active listening means that you show, through verbal and non-verbal communications, that you hear and understand what another person is saying to you.

Cool story, bro. Who cares?

Active listening is a phenomenal way to improve interpersonal relationships between leaders and subordinates. By practicing active listening, a leader communicates a deep and abiding interest in what his/her subordinates are saying and doing. In short, you show that you care about the well-being of that team member. Active listening doesn’t just mean that you automatically agree with everything the other person is saying. To the contrary, that would come off as insincere and a transparent attempt to placate the other person without tackling the issues he/she has brought to you. Active listening can often involve fierce and sincere disagreement; after all, one way to show an understanding of someone’s position is to rebut it! The key here is to address what someone is truly saying, not just your interpretation of it.

Active listening also contributes to healthy team dynamics. Teams that practice active listening do a better job of accounting for everyone’s perspective and ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard. This, in turn, has implications for getting the most out of diverse teams. Simply having a diverse team won’t give you any significant boost in effectiveness if there’s no means for those diverse voices to be heard. Diversity without voice is tokenism and it will rapidly degrade the effectiveness of your team. But a team where diverse viewpoints are heard and considered by way of active listening is a team that will outperform and outlast others.

OK, I’m in. How do I do it?

Start with the language you use. Are you interrupting people or finishing their sentences? You may think you know what they were going to say, but do you really? Be patient and let someone complete their thoughts, even if they may seem to wander or trail off. It may be that he is actively thinking as they speak, along the lines of E.M. Forster’s epigram “How do I know what I think until I see what I say?” Then, go beyond the simple “Uh-huh” in response to reflect that you actually understand what she’s saying. Responding with “Wow, that sounds awful” or “How exciting!” in the right place can show that you’re actively comprehending what he/she is telling you. Asking follow-on questions that dive deeper into someone’s statements is another powerful means of showing that you’re picking up on key parts of their narrative. If you missed part of what the person was saying, don’t just blunder along and hope you pick it up later; actively ask, “Wait, I think I missed something, what did you say after [x]?” This reaffirms both that you’ve been listening to the narrative and your interest in what the person is telling you.

Of equal importance to your verbal communications in active listening is your non-verbal communications, aka your body language. Face directly towards the person with your body as well as your face: tilting your body away suggests you are ready to go elsewhere. Be conscious of your arms: when crossed over your chest, they may communicate a combative or resistant stance. Folding them in front of you or resting them on a table can help get a message of openness across. Likewise, leaning back may inadvertently signal disinterest or disengagement; leaning slightly forward can show instead that you are attentive and hearing what they have to say. And for God’s sake, put away your phone. Nothing will more quickly signal a break in active listening than scanning your screen. In contrast, ignoring the bleeps and dings of your electronic leash in favor of the conversation in front of you is powerful means of showing someone that you are invested in the discussion at hand.

What are the drawbacks?

One potential danger of active listening is that familiarity may breed contempt. That is, you may get so good at active listening that you are able to mime the actions of active listening (such as the body language and verbal prompts discussed above) without actually listening. You may slide by on this for a while, but you will eventually be found out. When that happens, the resulting breaches in trust can be incredibly hard to repair. After all, you’ve been caught being insincere once; who’s to say you won’t do it again? There is nothing wrong with admitting to someone that you’re distracted and unable to focus your full attention on him/her. If you couple that admission with a commitment to a later discussion, you can actually build trust and gratitude as the other person sees that you value their time too.

Like so many skills, the only way to get good at active listening is to practice it. Think about where you could use active listening in your organization and try it out. What do you have to lose?

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Ray Kimball has served as a helicopter pilot, a history instructor, a strategic advisor, and a White House staffer. He is the author of The Army Officer’s Guide to Mentoring, the first comprehensive look at mentoring best practices used by US Army officers. His opinions are his own, not those of the U.S. Military Academy or the U.S. Army.

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